Something Andy Wrote a few months ago................
Imagine wakening up one day and everything being ripped out from under you. In a blink of an eye everything changes, everything you love to do and suddenly you can’t do anymore. Scared, worried, unheard …. Misunderstood. Doctors clueless as to what is wrong. Anxiety rising high, as that is the only diagnosis you hear, knowing that this is far from normal, and that anxiety would be treatable and better to have as this, this monster which is much bigger.
Your heart beats faster and faster with every inch your body rises. Why is this happening? Are you crazy? Dizzy, faint, lightheaded, your daily life as the people around you have no idea.
If they but only new the struggle. The struggle to get out of bed, to take a step, to shower, the struggle to do all the things you took for granted. Your children asking why dad or mum can’t do the things they used to. The innocence in their eyes, the empathy they try to show. Your explanation feels useless,
You’re hurting because you’re not the dad or mum you used to be. You’re always sorry. Your family, being a burden to them is your constant guilt.
How you feel is your daily conversation. You feel alone. No-one understands unless they go through it. Sympathising just makes you angry, although it shouldn’t. How could someone without this monster even begin to get it?
Friends “let’s go out” you sit there and watch them have fun, as you are downing water just to avoid fainting. You’re jealous and it’s wrong of you to be. You would never wish this upon anyone, you’re sad because you are the one sitting in the corner wondering what you would do if this monster didn’t get you.
“You don’t look sick” some things you just can’t see. You look perfect on the outside but on the inside, there is a disaster, you’re in a constant battle with your body. Every second, every minute, every hour of the day.
A doctor, a doctor that takes you by the hand and believes you, a miracle. The words, “yes you have a chronic illness.” That you knew it was more than anxiety, it was more than something simple.
The truth that there is no cure at the current time. There is medicine to help, but each person is different. The words you need a wheelchair, a shower chair and medicine for life. Your mind, why did you not listen to your hesitancy, why did this happen to you?
It stolen your body.
It’s stolen your energy.
It’s stolen your family.
It’s stolen your friends.
It’s stolen the person you used to be, you’re only 42. This monster doesn’t discriminate.
Your faith, Dear God, what did I do to deserve this? Please take this away, please, I’m sorry. A daily prayer to Him, wondering why and how this was in your plan.
A future, what now? How do you move forward being so sick? Pushing through for your wife, your family, your kids, you’re their hero. You can’t look weak, you have got to be strong.
A story to be continued…..